I never got the job at The Onion

Here is what I wrote as a submission for The Onion. It was for the ONN (Onion News Network) videos. It is written with the idea of being a video:

(What they gave me)
Rachel Ray Endorsement Proves Frighteningly Important. Rachel Ray has endorsed a candidate and immediately that candidate's popularity surges a shocking amount. The power of Rachel Ray has some frightened about the state of American politics.



(What I wrote, I made up shitty names)
ONN Anchor ‘Ted’: “Astonishing news today in the race for the presidency, and you’ll never believe which celebrity force is behind it. Today on her morning talk show, television personality and keen chef Rachael Ray announced that she is endorsing Hillary Clinton in the upcoming election. Hillary Clinton, who had been out of the race for some time now, didn’t seem like she would get a second chance. But soon after Rachael Ray announced her endorsement for Hillary, it gave her the spark she needed to be back on the campaign trail.
The news about this has made some politicians frightened by just how much influence a celebrity’s endorsement can effect a presidential election. Our political analyst John Jeffers had this to say about the issue.”

JJ: “Celebrity endorsements for candidates have been in play for ages, going all the way back to when popular actor Thomas Wignell announced his support for George Washington. This is nothing new, but it is becoming more important. It is now a bigger issue that an A-list celebrity supports you than if you have, say, a solid healthcare plan or promise to save the world.
When Oprah announced her support for Barack Obama everyone just assumed that he would win because Oprah has such a following. Now that Rachael Ray has come along with her books, television show, line of cookware, magazines, and now her endorsement for Hillary, we’re not certain that Oprah’s support will be enough for Obama to win the election. Rachael Ray has proven to be a celebrity force to be reckoned with. We’ll just have to see where the ratings take us in the upcoming fall season.”

ONN Anchor ‘Ted’: “Viewers of Rachel Ray’s television show say they are not shocked by this announcement. There have been rumors circling the Internet about which candidate she would be supporting for quite some time. In Rachel Ray’s blog, BakingMommy47 writes,
‘I knew she would support Hillary, I just thought it would have been leaked before Hillary dropped out of the race the first time. I guess that’s why life is full of surprises!’
Political activists and fans of Mrs. Ray’s show have already gathered outside of her studio where the show is taped, carrying signs with support for Hillary Clinton and Rachael Ray. Journalist and Rachael Ray supporter Kim Edwards is there on the scene to interview some of the activists. Kim…”

KE: “Thanks Ted. I’m here now with Colleen Johnson of Columbus, Ohio, who came all the way to Rachael’s studio in New York City as soon as the announcement was made. Colleen, could you tell us a little about your sign please?”

CJ: “Well, Kim, I made this sign over 5 months ago in anticipation that Rachael would support Hillary Clinton. It says ‘Clinton/Ray 2008 – Yum-o!’ and it has a picture here of Hillary and Rachael together holding their arms up in the air to signify teamwork and leadership. I like to think that together they are cooking up a recipe for victory.”

KE: “Thank you for that very supportive testimonial, Colleen.
I think we’ll have a very interesting fall season coming up as Hillary and Obama are both vying for the top spot in the White House. We’re certain to see quite a few plot twists that will turn things upside-down for both candidates. There are rumors of bringing back Chelsea to appear with Hillary at media events. We’re not sure if that could help or hinder Hillary’s fall schedule.
Looks like things are just starting to heat up to a crisp here outside the studio. Ted, back to you.”


ONN Anchor ‘Ted’: “Thank you, Kim. We’ll just hope that Rachael Ray’s support will pack as much kick as her Sliced Chili Rubbed Flank Steak on Spicy Rice with Shrimp and Guacamole Stacks. Coming up next, how dolphins can sense when you’ve recently sneezed…”




Notes:
Comes in at around 2 minutes 30 seconds.
Can change people’s names to anything.
Open to changes, additions, etc.




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I actually looked into that stuff quite a bit. Things like Thomas Wignell and the recipes are actually real things. Probably for the best I didn't get that job, everything around that time had to do with politics, and I don't believe in politics.

Back to watching internet videos.

And dreaming...